The following post is Al’s pre-birthday present to me on my first anniversary:
he invited me to write a guest post! Thank you, Al!
Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.
Khalil Gibran
When Al invited me to write a guest post for the CARE Movement, covering a topic or topics such as Communication, Appreciation, Respect, Encouragement, Improving morale, Optimism, Humility, Gratitude, Listening, Change, Forgiveness, Laughter, Positive Attitude, Open minded etc., my first reaction was a warm feeling of pleasure at this honour and cherishing the trust he put in me. Thank you so much, Al.
My second reaction was sheer panic: this is my first guest post (and I beg you to be patient with and kind to me), still a budding blogger in my first year, and an onrush of insecurity: English is not my first language (actually it is my third after German and French)
I think I have several handicaps: a very strict upbringing in black and white (dos and do nots), do not talk (or write) about feelings, sit out any conflict and basically have a rather negative attitude, always expecting the worst to happen. Combined with the heavy load of expectations to succeed at everything turned me into a very insecure young adult.
And I decided I never wanted to be like my mother.
Followed the years of seeking and searching which can be best described as travelling a winding path, straying to the left and right, following pursuits of personal comfort and defining myself by my romantic relationships.
My purpose and goals in life in those earlier years? Orientated towards academic achievement and social status, chasing away this small and soft voice asking me whether life is really about all that?
It’s not what you are, it’s what you don’t become that hurts.
Oscar Lavant
When my daughter was born, my mother gave me that wonderful poem “On Children” by Khalil Gibran, reminding us that our children do not belong to us and that we should not try to make them like us. It has accompanied me all these years of her growing up, trying to live by it.
And I decided my daughter should not be like me.
Maybe I did not want my daughter to be like me but do we not also shape our children by what we non-verbally expect them to do and become? Do they not emulate our behaviour?
Did I see my purpose of life during her childhood as accompanying her on her way to life? Is this enough?
The other day I was talking to my daughter, now a beautiful woman of 24, about being negative (relating to my mother) and it made me very sad for her when she said: “You know, Mami, I also have this attitude.” At least when I was young I did not feel afraid of doing anything, my head was full of ideas, dreams and plans, some did succeed, some did not.
Did I listen to my inner self? Did I have time for self-reflection? Probably not. I am glad that soft and small voice grew stronger and compelled me to search further. Maybe it is a shift of interests and an awareness of the fleetingness of all things.
And I want to become my own self
That outer shell had to find an inner body.
Some time ago, I re-started keeping a diary, this is my own personal psychological launderette, my island of self-reflection, helping me to organise my life on several levels.
And encouraged by friends and family who enjoyed reading my travel reports I started my blog Late Bloomers, sharing my love for food and cooking, travels, daily encounters with a wider audience and having the courage to interact and open up. Over the months this has become less a recounting of travels but an introspective voyage into my mind and soul.
I have learnt to better communicate, appreciate, respect and encourage others, all the time being faithful to and outspoken about my values and opinions.
Coming full circle to Al and borrowing his Ghandi quote “Be the change you want to see in the world”, I am on my way.
Comments 11
Barbara, this post resonates so much for me. You made me think about the kind of parenting I’m practicing and how much effect I have on my son even when things are not said. I can see the pain in his eyes when he sees a disapproving look on my face and I know how much power I have over him. The real question is how I wield that power, isn’t it? I also hear myself when you ask your own questions about being who we are and where our paths lie. Thank you for sharing this quote….I love it and shall always remember it : “It’s not what you are, it’s what you don’t become that hurts.Oscar Lavant
Wonderful, insightful post! Thank you :-))
@jpage.manuel Joy, thank you so much for your lovely and caring comment.
I can relate so much to what you say about the pain in his eyes and it hurts even thinking about it. Scary thing that power a mother has, and it does not stop when our children have become adults.
But we give our best every day and we should remember it, too!
Barbara, you were probably always on your way. All of our experiences, good and bad contribute to who we are now and who we want to become. As parents I believe that the majority of us do the best as we know how just as our parents did the best that they knew how. We try not to make the mistakes that our parents made but in doing so often create a new set. But if our children feel loved they will eventually also find their way along the “long and winding road” BTW I love your first quote by Khalil Gibran
@Hocam Thanks, Mary, you are absolutely right about being on our way right from the start.
And I think it is ok to make mistakes and learn from them, one way of growing, is it not? Sometimes tough to watch our children on their way.
Yes, he is a very wise man, Khalil Gibran, I should print this in big letters and put it on my bathroom mirror!
Barbara, I can so relate to your upbringing and the tumultuous young adulthood (that I’m still going through). I continue to question if “life is really all about that.” And sometimes I think I may have been almost *too* extreme in taking the *other* path by coming here to live in a developing country against my entire extended family’s wishes (or so it seems). Thanks for your humility in this post and your reminder that it’s okay to be human and to continue learning and growing. Hugs!
@Samantha Bangayan Sam, you decide when the tumultuous young adulthood comes to an end! I deliberately took a step back some years ago, I could not keep up with the speed (and the hurt).
Maybe you needed this experience of iving in a developping country, only time will show you what it is good for.
It is not the first time I hear “humility” in connection with me, I have never perceived myself as being humble, lovely thought and thanks for your warmth, hugs!
Beautiful post, Barbara. I can relate quite a bit. Our mothers seem to be very similar. I think it’s wonderful that one way of breaking out of the mental restrictions is by expanding your physical boundaries through travel. It never ceases to amaze me that so many of us are on the same journey. 🙂
@1plus1wednesday good morning to you, Adrienne! And you remind me on this grey and cold morning that it is a wonderful journey, thank you. This year has been so generous to me: my real travels took me from Thailand to the United States and to Italy, my virtual travels have freed me of so much unnecessary baggage – happy thanksgiving!
Hi Barbara… I want you to know that you have a very inspiring and beautiful post… Yes I agree that we have to be out own selves… Living your life the way you want it to be can give you self fulfillment.
Barbara, this is such a wonderful, reflective post. Isn’t it funny how the decisions we make affect our lives, and the lives of those we love and live with?
Thank you for sharing this intuitive post.
@jonesbabie Thank you so much, Cath, this post means a lot to me and it is the most honest (and painful) I have ever written.